Every year, as if for the first time, I wait for school to get out and dream of summer blessing us with sunshine and lazy days full of fun and good times. I envision us frolicking through pollen free fields of beautiful wildflowers, and building sandcastle mansions with lingering sunsets in the background. And then I remember that my kids are off for the summer, while I still have to work, and we are all in total denial of how this has to go so that I don’t have a total breakdown. To prevent any misunderstandings, I’d like to provide my family with some insightful information.
1- No, we don’t have any more: conditioner, water bottles, snacks, shaving cream, or whatever your looking for if, 1- you didn’t tell me when you used the last of it, or, 2- you didn’t get some more when you used the last of it your damn self.
2- Yes, I did just ask you for the 5th time what you’re doing today. Newsflash: I know you only have your own charmed life to focus on, not five lives, like me, and I actually have to maintain my own needs as well as everyone else’s, unlike the rest of you, since you seem to have me as your house wench. So the next time you roll your eyes at me like an idiot because you have no patience with my “forgetfulness” towards your social schedule, do not be shocked when I smack you upside the head.
3- I am aware that, that’s YOUR water bottle, and YOUR leftover lunch, and YOUR ice cream from the ice cream truck, YOURS, YOURS, YOURS, yadda, yadda, yadda. But did you know, that that’s MY phone charger, MY pool, MY iPad, MY shirt/sweater/bra (yes, bra), and anything else you pretty much grab with your sticky fingers is MINE? You seem to forget, though, because I graciously share everything that is MINE with you (take lesson of graciousness inserted HERE by me, your welcome).
4- I know you are on break, your siblings are on break, your fabulous friends are on break. Use your imagination, and visualize large neon letters: I AM NOT ON BREAK. If I kick your ass out, you will no longer be on break either. So I advise you strongly to therefore, clean up after yourself, clean up after your friends who are pillaging our food supply, and seem to have moved into our house/summer-cottage-all-of-a-sudden.
5- Some more informative breaking news. I am not a second class citizen or the hired help. Last time I checked, you weren’t paying me a stinking dime, let alone enough money for me to be your personal assistant and manage your high maintenance existence. And I imagine you will be stunned when I tell you, my big dream in life is not to serve you 24/7. Which brings me to…
6- I am – wait for it – an independent individual with creative goals and inspirations to fill the little down time you tyrants allow me to escape with. I am a pretty damn good writer, which you might discover if you actually took your eyes off of your daily bluetooth device of choice and read something I wrote. I like to spend time with my friends, and although it’s hard to believe, I enjoy this best sometimes without you. Which reminds me that, after long days of work outside the home, followed by my extended hours of work inside the home, I treasure my limited hours of quiet time, alone, uninterrupted by the television show/movie/video game/music of your choice.
And all if this in just the first full week of summer. Only 9 weeks to go!
**All names have been changed to protect the innocent. I didn’t mention any names? I can’t help it if you, the reader, recognize any characters referred to here.